An On Being Animals first! We got rustic and recorded this in the deep woods. That’s right, we were off the grid. My sister Geneva and I recorded this near an abandoned silver mine deep in the interior of BC. We were hours from a Tim Horton’s, but luckily we had a couple of cold Kootenay Ales to quench our thirst and fuel our quest to learn about the Bloody Aqua Dumper. Get you minds out of the gutter listeners, it’s not a dirty thing, this creature is just a Bloody Aqua Dumper. We also talk about hatch n grow dinos, taking family for granted, and eggs that can feed themselves.
Most Egregious Error: At one point I want to refer to a venus fly trap and I call it a praying mantis. And Geneva goes with it, so we never corrected that mistake. I was also a little waffly on some answers, I maybe a little fast and lose with language describing histamines, and missed some other answers, but come on folks, we were off the grid, in the dirt, under an open sky. So I hope you forgive me.
Science level: crazy high. We saw lizards, talked about DNA, endoparasites, and tried to tackle the aforementioned histamines.
We heard from Sara last episode, so now it’s time to hear from her hubby, my brother in arms, he who flees from the sun, Andrew. We set up the On Being Animals studio at his place, cracked open some groomsmen whisky, and learned about the Speedy Lobster Claw Diva. In addition to whiskey, we get into the Bat Man, dick pics, and growing trees on Mars.
Most Egregious Error: Andrew set up a perfect conversation about Jordan Peterson’s lobster and I was too slow to notice. I totally left him hanging and missed out. Jordan Peterson is bit of a divisive figure. From what I can tell, he has produced solid peer reviewed research, and he has also produced some stuff that ain’t peer reviewed, and uh, that stuff is different. In his 12 Steps book, he says that lobsters are biologically hierarchical so humans must also be biologically hierarchical. Lobsters. We should take notes on how to behave from lobsters. There are over 5,000 species of mammals in the world, and he picked the lobster. You know who has spines? Seven thousand species of amphibian, 10,000 birds, and 10,000 reptiles. You know who doesn’t? Lobsters. This is the point Andrew was trying to make and I missed it. Lobsters are interesting and great in their own ways, but don’t be a human jerk to other humans just because lobsters exist.
Science level: very high, we don’t get into differential equations, but we do get into probably the most important and challenging aspect of science, communication of results. How do we get dummy politicians to understand? Clearly we don’t solve it, we just get into it.
For this episode, I climbed a mountain to get to my brother’s wife’s brother’s wife. How about we just call her Sara. She’s an Island girl that grew up on an aviary, so of course, we had to talk about the Cooing Bob Wink. You know that animal that we see all the time, right? The Cooing Bob Wink. We also talk about weaponizing animals, rats, allergies, and Dirty Rick. Yeah Rick, we’re talking about you again.
Most Egregious Error: My mom called while we were recording. I did not answer. I’m a bad son.
Science Level: We talk about oil spoilage, so that’s, you know, a regular level of science.
A couple of Russell Book islanders came to the On Being Animals studio for an extra special tri-pod episode! A three person podcast that is as stable as a physical tri-pod. Sara laughed, Ross cried, and we all learned about the Shimmer Two Four Staying-a-Dive. Yes this animal is called the Shimmer Two Four Staying-a-Dive. Ross and Sara are great guests and we talked about everything from Darude Sandstorm, to leaving home, and the ever so terrible, unwanted acoustic guitars. You know when they show up to a good party and ruin it?
Most Egregious Errors: I used some pretty bad analogies, but Ross and Sara were there to improve on them each time. Birds and mammals cannot see infrared. It seems that vampire bats can detect infrared waves, but not with their eyes. They don’t see it, but maybe they feel it with their noses. Some birds can see in the ultraviolet range. That’s how they see urine marks. Use a UV light at a cheap motel to see all the urine marks, urine from rodents and otherwise. We get into tongue stuff. This animal wraps its tongue around its skull to store it. Much like a woodpecker.
Science Level: Talk about wind tunnels, fluid dynamics, aeroelastic flutter, and G forces. You’re welcome aerospace nerds.
Kate came to the studio fresh out of Russell Books where she was shelving books in the animal section! Out of the frying pan and into the fire. Kate has fantastic, specific question and she even name dropped ungulates! So yes, this podcast episode is about a certain ungulate that we lovingly refer to as the Slutty Lewd Mineral Craver. We nerd out on books, talk Bitoin, give out hot chocolate tips, and sensationalize disappointing sex.
Most egregious Error: Camels are ungulates. I claim they aren’t, but they are and I should know better because we did an entire episode on camels last year. Also, the Costco cheese doesn’t have salt in it, it’s calcium lactate crystals. And I forgot to give Kate some of that cheese after we stopped recording. Another error is that I should have debunked the tin can myth. Slutty Lewd Mineral Cravers do not crave tin cans.
Science level: So high! Kate has so much animal knowledge and we really get into it.
Angus Watt was at death’s door and yet he braved the elements to come to the On Being Animals studio in James Bay to record this episode on the Diurnal Dichotomies. The animal featured in this episode is definitely diurnal and definitely a dichotomy. In this episode, we don’t discuss dry spells or the importance of foreplay, but we do discuss Kangaroo nipples, DJ Khaled, and we figure out who really caused the Exxon Valdez oil spill.
Most Egregious Error: I had trouble saying skeletuture. Skeleture. It may not even be a word. I meant skeleton stuff. The whole skeleton together. I also came up a bit short on my river knowledge in this ep.
Science Level: Right in the middle. Right in that sweet spot where I we don’t talk about differential equations, but we do talk about Bonobo sex.
Thanks for listening. I’m currently driving back to Montreal from Victoria and I’ll be bumming around in the Kootneys for a bit, so I’m going to try to honour my 1st and 15th release dates, but as you may have noticed, I’m already blowing it. You know what else is blowing it right now? My air conditioning unit in my car. It’s blowing exclusively hot air as we driving in 37 degrees celsius Okanagan weather. Not great. But you know what is great? Angus Watt. Great guest. He’s also a musician. You can check out the bands “Pastel Blank” and “Wept” to hear his lovely singing voice. For now, listen to his sniffly podcast voice as we discuss the Diurnal Dichotomies.
This podcast episode had been on the books for a while and finally made it happen! Mel Jupp and I were finally in the same city at the same time and we were able to discuss the Looky Bubbly Pouchy Brownie. Yes, that is the new name of this animal. We also cover active starfishing, how to get ants into your pants, and floppy milkshake corrections.
Most Egregious Error: I had herring hubris and was, I’ma say 79% wrong. Also, I don’t know how to pronounce heraldic. Heraldic.
Science level: get ready you aerospace nerds, we talk about ground effect!
This is a great episode, it hits all the notes that On Being Animals should: philosophy, genitals. Every single note. The guest for this episode is an open minded sweetheart named Andrew. He’s not much to look at, but he’s a great guest. Together, we learned about the good, the bad, and the ugly of an animal we like to call the Bazooka Dabbler. Along the way we get into the taste of poop, the righteous sword of compassion, and the sexiness of back hair.
Most Egregious Error: I made a lot of errors. I took a note to remind Andrew about some sort of individualized teaching thing and forgot to bring it back up. Bergman’s rule is named after a German Naturalist named Carl Bergman. The woman scientist who’s name I couldn’t remember is Patricia Brennan. A chimp did have sex with a frog’s mouth. The passing of male traits in birds is best explained a youtube video titled “Why Are Bird Penises So Weird”.
Science level: We finished our bottle of white wine around the 30 minute mark, so no scientific homeruns in this one folks. But we do get silly. We had a lot of fun.
Thanks for downloading and listening. It truly warms my heart. Feel free to rate and leave comments in iTunes or wherever you get your podcasts. If you are the head of a big tobacco company, you can definitely slide into my DMs.
You asked for it so you’re going to get it. The lovely Jenny Pye came back for another episode and this time we discovered the Gazing Handsy Bandit Washer. Along the way we figure out a great paté prank, we explore bureaucracy, we give a shout out to Buster the pug, and we weigh in on eating poop.
Most egregious error: Jenny has a great question about domestication versus taming, but I have a pretty sloppy answer. Taming is what you do to an individual animal and is a matter of learning. Domestication applies to groups of animals and it genetic modification. So we control the breeding of a wild animal to establish a new breed. This new breed lives symbiotically with us humans and is usually unable to survive or reproduce without human intervention.
Science level: Poop is science, right? We talk about poop.
You used to call her on her cellphone, but you don’t anymore because she doesn’t have one. That’s right, the Russell Books series of the On Being Animals podcast continues with Savannah and she chose to learn about her spirit animal: the Onion Fast Love Horn. If your favourite part of this podcast is when we go on tangents and don’t talk about the animal, then this is the episode for you! You’ve been waiting 40+ episodes and we’ve finally delivered tangents on tangents. It may even be more icing than cake. This means we left a couple of Onion Fast Love Horn facts on the table, but luckily we figured out why you need to put a banana in your first aid kit. We also discover how much Savannah can eat in one sitting, what we should spend our tax return money on, and how to almost make it to the NHL. We also debate the merits of head banging. You name it, we covered it.
Most Egregious errors: Savannah claims that cheetahs have 3000 spots, but they have 2000, I say gene when I should be saying chromosome, and we both fail miserably to solve the simplest of math problems. Oh, and to clarify, “Wild America” is comedy film starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas. It is based on the real life person Martin Luther Stouffer Jr. who has been fined hundreds of thousands of dollars for setting up illegal hunting camps. So, fuck that guy, right?
Science level: surprisingly high, we talk about the how colour blindness is inherited and there is a sizzling fluid dynamics joke at some point.
It’s time to start the Russell Books phase of the On Being Animals podcast. Russell Books is this used bookstore in Victoria where I work and it is the best bookstore I’ve ever been in. Am I saying this in order to get promoted? Maybe. You’ll just have to come and check out the bookstore in order to find out. Make sure you set aside a couple of hours. It is legit. It makes Chapters look like a heavy diaper covered expired foot cream.
So why is this podcast entering the Russell Books phase? Because I have met some wonderful humans there and many of them will be coming to the studio for the next couple of episodes. To start us off, Gabriel came by to help me discover the Curious Clever Handed Recluse. As we waded through the waters of the Curious Clever Handed Recluse, we discovered more about girlfriend potato chips, electric balls, gut feelings, and we got caught up on Haley Joel Osmond’s career.
Most Egregious Error: I said that there is only one species of nautilus. I was so wrong. There are 6 species of nautiloids in 2 genera. Shame on me.
Science level: So high! Gabe drop serious knowledge bombs in this episode. If I were to create a transcript of this episode, it would have a bunch scientific footnotes.
You tuned into this episode to learn about the Sneaky Growthy Blue-Red Baldies, but you’ll stick with it to hear more of Brett’s silky smooth radio voice. Brett’s my brother’s good buddy and I and see why, he’s funny, charming, and I’ll be damned if he ain’t some kind of handsome. He crossed the Straight of Georgia to come shop at AW&Co, to estimate the price of hazel nuts, to find truth in the moment, and to catch up on Survivor. The TV show Survivor. Brett is a loyal Survivor fan. Even after 36 seasons, he not gon give up. He not gon stop. He gon work harder. And keep watching survivor.
Most egregious error: I confidently claim that New Zealand is not volcanic. I took a shot, I liked my odds, and I missed. It’s definitely volcanic.
Science level: low. We may be a couple of engineers, this this episode is all about flow.
What a special guest. Tiaré has both the real world experience of fishing for a living and a grasp of the scientific method that can only be found in the ivory towers of academia. Plus she’s a fantastic podcast guest. A delight. On this episode we learned about the Upcycled Squishy Kitten Yogi and we dream of the day when we will judge animals, not by the phallic shape of their body, but by the content of their character. While dreaming, we learn about the armadillo of the sea, sustainable fishing practices, and someone confesses to knuckling the peanut butter jar.
Most egregious error: the slime has protein in it and I was a bit unclear with some timelines, so 500 million years ago was when we shared the last common ancestor this animal. The Upcycled Squishy Kitten Yogi continued to change until about 300 million years ago. At that point, it stayed morphologically pretty unchanged. IT’s like school yearbook message to heart: “you’re amazing never change, xoxo besties for ever”.
Science level: we had a a flipping practitioner of science on the show, so yeah, the science level was high. The scientist may have also recited a limerick about shark dicks. That’s still science.
When life gives you oats, record a podcast with your brother. This time my brother Clayton, aka the Clayzer Beam, helped me learn about the Motivated Sloppy Taste Sharp Eyed Killer. During the episode, we try to figure out if anything matters, we talk about being above the line, about being trashy fast-food eaters, and we learn about man-eaters, but not the man-eaters that make you work hard make you spend hard make you want all of their love.
Most egregious error: I couldn’t remember how sex ratios are related to resource abundance. In my defence, this is a bit of a nuanced relationship that depends on the animal. Research on owls has shown female-biased sex ratios when breeding territories have an abundance of prey. For the Motivated Sloppy Taste Sharp Eyed Killer, it might be the opposite because serious male territorial competition is due to limited resources and results in adult male deaths giving us the female-biased sex ratio. That is the answer I should have given in this episode. Instead I mumbled and poured more tequila. Oh, and it's not 25%, we actually share up to 60% of DNA with bananas. We're all just making proteins and replicating DNA.
Science level: High! We talked about how eyes work and photons.
Matt is back! He braved the winter cold to come to the On Being Animals studio in Gatineau, Quebec to learn more about the Sociable Fluttering Skin-Winged Rooster. While recording, we go an adventure that damages my ears, then we talk about great movies such as multiplicity, we try to figure out if friends can have sex with each other, and we take Tom Hanks down a peg. By we, I mean me. Me take Tom Hanks down a peg.
Most Egregious Error: the research on this animal was rushed in order to get Matt in the studio before I left Gatineau, so we miss a lot of sex and social facts.
Science level: very high, we talk about decibels and the Doppler shift!
This episode was recorded in Ottawa, but in this moment, I am talking to you from Victoria. I made it and it is beautiful. So many hummingbirds, but enough about me and my hummies, lets talk about this episode on the Thick Marrowed Mature Legs. I am so lucky that I was able to catch Krystal before I left because she was a joy to have – such a warm heart and sharp mind. We discovered more about Bob’s big tongue, Baja Rosa, yoga with Adriene, and merino wool. That last discovery resulted in the biggest On Being Animals laugh ever. It was fantastic.
Most egregious error: I say that the giraffe’s tongue is 9 inches long. Not even close. It’s 20 inches long. This ain’t no merino mistake, but Episode 7 was about giraffes, so I should know better.
Science level: We create a new, science-based lifestyle and for 7 easy payments of 23 euros, you too can have all the science that we pack into our new patented lifestyle.
Well, I blew it. I totally blew. I’d like to formally apologize to you the listeners for this episode being a week late, nay, over a week late. There’s no excuse. Am I in the process of moving from Gatineau to Victoria? Yes. Is that a valid excuse? No. Did we run over half of a deer carcass outside of Sault Ste Marie? Yes. Is that a valid excuse? No. Did we see a Moose in Glacier National Park? Yes. Is the Moose a valid excuse? No. The moose is no excuse. I refuse to use the moose excuse. To make it up to you, I’m giving you the first ever On Being Animals two-fer double-shot. That’s right, two guest in one episode that covers two animals! It’s a two-fer double shot. Lovely Lindsay and passionate Pam came in to learn more about the Snotty Spineless Egg Gardener and while they were in the studio, I surprised them with the Dick Fish. That is not a euphemism, my pants stayed on, I am a civil member of society. There was extra time so I taught them about a notorious south American dick fish. Along the way we learned more about taking number threes, danger bay, and the detachable penis. Oh, and in case there is any doubt, Lindsay is charming, gorgeous, and available. Folks, you heard correct, she is available.
Most egregious error: I said lampreys feed on whale falls, but I meant hagfish. Lampreys eat blood and fluids of living sea creatures. Hagfish scavenge.
Science level: there’s some science….and then a whole lot of sex and genital talk.
Double your pleasure and double your fun! That's the slogan for our 2020 presidential campaign. Melissa and I will run as equals and our mandate will be to double anything that's good in life. To launch our campaign, we are releasing this podcast on the Lonely Bellowing Backwards Double-U. In it, we explore early puberty, KIDS, and poop chutes. These are all separate things. And KIDS is much sadder than you think, but it is life and life is a struggle. Not always fair.
Most egregious error: I said we would run for president in 2022. That's not the right year. Also, I didn't know what taxonomic rank mammals were. I say kingdom and backpedal to order, but they are a class. Boy do I have egg on my face. Egg from a monotreme, the order of mammals that lay eggs. On my face.
Science level: Not super high. Don't get me wrong, we are talking science, but there are some great stories. The one on 10 year old Melissa at the end is a real gem.
What was my New Year's resolution? More Dash! That’s right, back by my popular demand, handsome Dash came for a second podcast. We come out of the gate hot with a 15-minute debate on undergrad engineering courses and then we seamlessly segue into a discovery of the Muscled Morphin Toxic Glutton. Along the way we explore binging on sun chips, the amazing things our parents did for us, and poop dreams.
Most egregious error: I credit Dash with introducing me to Ticket to Ride, but he was not alone. I also have Ashley, Audrey, and Jovian to thank for my unhealthy obsession. There’s also a point in the episode where I’m searching for a word. I think I was looking for moonshine. I was trying to get to General Tecumseh’s quote on the false glory of war. Dang we be cultured.
Science level: We talk about signal processing, so that’s high, right? We also talk about how, though flawed, Prometheus is a great movie. That’s right, this is an opinion that Dash and I share.
And the balance has been restored. Last week, Ryan and I got pretty focused on some male genitalia, so luckily, the fantastic Christina came by and brought us back on track. So much female genitalia. It couldn't be helped. It shouldn't be helped. It wouldn't be helped. It had to happen. And it happened with Christina, who is wonderfully talented. She is a part of the improv troupe A Little Awkward, and she is 50% of the Scene Partners podcast. That makes this another crossover episode! We brought the studio to her and she helped us learn more about the Familial Semi-Aquatic Hindgut. Along the way, we discovered more about family, nudie mags in the woods, church camps, Noah's ark, Diva cups, safe search, furies, and rotting peaches.
Most egregious error: we couldn't remember Michael Winslow's name. Shame on us. Christina didn't even know he existed. Double shame.
Science level: Pretty low. This is a full 2 hours of silly bits. We learn everything that we need to know about the Familial Semi-Aquatic Hindgut, but we are not pushing the boundaries of our collective knowledge.
The first On Being Animals crossover episode! Well, more of a semi-crossover. He's is half of the podcast "Scene Partners". Who is he? He's Ryan, the talented kind soul who is also in the improv troupe "A Little Awkward". He crossed the river to help us discover more about the Disease-Prone Diggysaurus Penis Boy. Along the way, we planned a BBQ rib treasure hunt, we explored the power of reconciliation, and there was dick talk. A lot of dick talk. We are men, but sometimes we are 9 year old boys giggling during sex-ed class. You know what, in the next episode, I'll try to restore genital balance with generous vagina talk. But for now, this animal has an exceptional penis.
Most egregious error: I said that this animal has a baculum. Shame on me. This is a baculumless animal.
Science level: this one was a little more philosophical than most.
Back to the real stuff! You've had enough of me pantlessly yammering on about how Orcas make me cry, so I put on my finest denims to host Layoma and her pug-baby Bella. We three went on a quest to discover more about the Drumming Hard Axehead. Along the way, we learned more about vegan corndogs, how scary it is to decide what to do with your life, and how to select teammates for an orgy. If you hear little snorts in the background, that's Bella the second cutest pug in the world.
Most egregious error: not giving Bella more time on the mic! She's so cute. I also forgot to explain how this animals has sex. It's not particularly remarkable, but I could have gone more into it. Maybe next episode.
Science level: pretty dang high. Bergman's rule comes up, we talk about acceleration, forces, all sorts of science type stuff.
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe, she eagerly awaited year in review, part 2. She asked for it, you begged for it, now its's here. We've got 15 animals for you and some juicy rants. There were 13 vertebrates, 10 mammals, 2 birds, 4 ocean dwellers, only 1 ungulate, and about 9ish carnivores (ie: animals that eat other animals). Sociality is on a spectrum, so it can be tricky to categorize, but if we applied a high pass filter, we would find 6 very social animals.
Most egregious error: I forgot to talk about the most astounding aspect of orcas. In the wild, they refuse to hurts humans. I say refuse because they could hurt us in the water, they have good memories, and many of them were alive when humans did horrible things to their pod-mates, yet they refuse to hurt us. Inexplicable. Humbling. Shameful.
Science level: real low, it's all about the feelings! The podcast is about the human-animal feelings we get when we learned about non-human animals
It's been over a year, so let's celebrate by looking back! In this episode of On Being Animals, I take a look back at each of the first 17 animals we discovered together. I try to see what info got stuck in my mind and which feelings burrowed deep into my heart. Of those 17 animals, 15 are vertebrates, 12 are mammals, 2 are birds, 5 are ocean dwellers, there are 3 ungulates, and about 11 eat other animals....though that's more of an 11ish. Tardigrades and Slow Lorises are a bit on the fence.
Most egregious error: I didn't have an actual episode ready, so I threw this together.
Science level: super low, this is all about feelings!
This episode of On Being Animals got a last second upgrade when Isabelle joined Audrey and me to help us learn more about the Stinging Ballers. They welcomed me into their pinterest adjacent home where we reviewed the Sahara desert, struggled to find the word "sensationalize", and figured out what we didn't make Taylor Swift do.
Most egregious error: In episode 1, we learned the difference between poison and venom. In this episode I called the venom poison.
Science level: if bad singing is science, then there is A LOT of science in this episode.